Being in the middle of any transformation is hard.
There are the folks who knew you "before you've totally changed" and they "just don't know who you are any more". There people who are in your corner 100% and cheer you on at every forward step and set-back. And those who suddenly appear out of nowhere.
I'm somewhere in the middle of all three.
Over the last 9 months I've made some pretty significant changes mentally, spiritually and physically and not everyone has been on board which is tough.
Though sporadic, I've been working on my meditation practice. I've been writing more, both in the blogosphere and my personal journal. With the help of, who I am pretty sure the BEST personal trainer ever (does everyone genuinely love their personal trainer like I do?), I have discovered an inner athlete I kind of always thought was there but wasn't completely sure of her existence. And I've made some big time changes in how I eat and nourish my body.
None of those changes have been easy. None of them were made lightly--I wish I was one of those people who could wake up one more and say "Today! Today is the day we make big life changes!" and sticks with it.
My changes took a lot of internal convincing and reassurance that these decisions I was making for myself, were the best for me and only me.
One of the biggest and hardest changes I've come to deal with is relationships and how they now fit in my life.
I think any time you made a decision for yourself, one of the things you end up having to ask is whether or not everyone will be coming along with you on your journey, metaphorically speaking. You look at your friendships, all relationships really, and start to wonder "Do I still have a place for those people in my life?"
If you've ever been on the other end of that conversation (I'm quite certain that at one time or another this has been true for all of us), it's not a great conversation to be in. There are the worries that we've done something wrong, that we aren't worthy of that friendship any more or whatever reason comes zinging through our consciousness when someone essentially breaks up with us (friendship breakup are far worse than romantic break ups).
But those break ups happen whether we like it or not. The people involved either drift apart naturally, distance becomes an issue or a number of other reasons can bring an end to those relationships.
For me, it's been this journey of transformation that has ended some dear friendships recently. The jokes that used to be funny are no longer so. The jabs that used to roll off your back are now hitting a little too close to home. And the dread of spending time with them is almost overwhelming.
And it's heartbreaking.
The thought that this time with some of these people is coming to an end is almost unbearable at times.
But, in the wise words of D, "sometimes you have to do what is necessary".
For me, redirecting that energy to something good and positive is how I need to spend my time. And finding and spending time with those who fully support me is where I need to be. Not dwelling on the past of what could have been or should have been.
While those relationships and friendships will always be something I cherish, it's time to close that door and open a new one with mind, body and soul wide open.